What Have I Done?
by dantesdarkqueen
Summary: What have I done?" The thought repeated in his head as he sat beside her comatose body. Irenicus was dead, but why wasn't she waking up? Some spoilers, general angst.


**Summary: **"What have I done?" The thought repeated in his head as he sat beside her comatose body. Irenicus was dead, but why wasn't she waking up? Spoilers, general angst. It's Xan; how can it not be?

**Disclaimer: **Tashrena's mine, but nobody else.

**Queen's Quornor: **Okay, I can now freely admit a certain fondness for everybody's favorite emo-elf. This mod has definitely made him come alive, even moreso than he was in the original game. Now, that said, I wanted to do something for the other romantic path in this mod, since I've already written something for the bonded side. I know, I know; the PC technically wasn't alive until about two days after the final battle in Hell, but the way I've always envisioned it was the PC basically being a comatose vegetable for about two-three days after being resurrected. This scenerio has actually been floating around in my head for quite a few years now, long before I discovered the Xan mod. Somehow it just worked a lot better when it was him angsting over the unconscious Bhaalspawn's bedside than Anomen. Maybe it's because he's so much better at angsting than Anomen is? I still like 'ol Annie, but Xan's overtaken him as the Female Romantic Interest of Choice. I still don't own a replacement copy of ToB, so I'm not entirely sure what happens in that section of this path. Artistic liscense is a wonderful thing sometimes...

What Have I Done?

He shot upright as soon as the breath returned to his body, eyes wide and arms outstretched to catch her as she jerked and screamed in pain. Hands caught him and guided him back down, accompanied by a musical voice speaking in his native tongue. "Calm down. You were only just resurrected. Give yourself time to recover before you go leaping out of bed."

"What happened? Where am I? Where is Tashrena?" The words spilled from his lips without censor, before he could think about them or how they would sound.

The priestess, a middle-aged female with gentle dove-colored eyes and ebony hair pulled back in a tight bun, smiled in understanding. "You and your companions collapsed after your battle with the Exile, and were rushed to the temple by Elhan and his men. All of you have been resurrected by the grace of Rillifane. The humans, the druid, and your blond companion awoke some hours ago, but one of you is taking time in regaining consciousness."

Minsc, Imoen, Jaheira, and Aerie. That left himself and... "What of Tashrena?"

The priestess did not answer, but her eyes flicked to the side, drawing Xan's attention to the bed across from his. He immediately slung his legs out of bed and struggled to his feet. The priestess tried to stop him, urging him to return to his bed, but he paid her no heed. His attention was only for the figure laying so still in that bed.

"Tashrena!" Xan's heart constricted when he took note of her condition. She was absolutely motionless, the sheets only just moving witih her slight breathing. Her smooth skin was paler than usual, ice rather than alabaster, only minimally warmer than a corpse. Even the fading scars, remnants of Irenicus' attentions in his dungeon stronghold, seemed deviod of color and life. The silvery hair she always kept hidden beneath her hood, tresses he had once likened to the stars glittering in the midnight sky, flowed haphazardly across the pillow and sheets, still carrying bits of crusted blood and tree bark. "Tashrena..." He took her hand in his, his stomach twisting painfully at how limp her calloused fingers lay between his palms.

There was no response to her name, not even a flinch. The only sign of life was her slight, steady breathing.

"She was resurrected as well, but has yet to awaken." The priestess walked to stand beside him, her eyes sorrowful. "We know not why she hasn't come to. The spell seems to have restored life to her body, but not to her mind. Not even Lady Demin is certain why this is."

"Her soul... Does she have it?" Xan asked, bending over her hand, fighting his tears. He would not cry in front of this priestess.

"The spell would have failed if she did not." The priestess retrieved a bowl of fruit and a pitcher of water, setting them on the nightstand beside Tashrena's bed before bringing him a chair. "Here. You must eat. Shall I inform your companions of your awakening?"

He shook his head. "I just...want to be alone right now." _With her._

She nodded and left with a promise to check on the comatose female later, softly closing the door behind her. Alone, Xan focused on the hand between his, opening his mind to reach out to Tashrena's. If he could reach her through communion, perhaps he could guide her back to the waking world.

In place of images and haphazard thoughts, memories that held the key to Tashrena's very identity, he found nothing. Only darkness. No thoughts. No memories.

Not even her voice.

He felt nothing but guilt as he ended the communion after several minutes of searching and calling. The entirety of his gut had twisted into one big knot, and he had no words for the state of his heart. He had traveled beside her for months, seen her taint overwhelm her. He had fought beside her against Sarevok, Irenicus, and countless other foes, all howling for her blood. He had followed her to the depths of Hell itself, all the while reminding her that their efforts would only end in their deaths.

Confronted with the reality of his grim words, he knew now that he had never meant them. Not for her.

The grief was too much. He bent his head so her limp fingers were pressed to his lips and simply allowed the tears to fall.

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He put his empty goblet on the nightstand, studying her serene countenance again. She had yet to stir, despite the time that had passed since Irenicus' defeat. Their companions had come to see her, each attempting to revive her, but their efforts had been for naught. Tashrena had yet to awaken.

Minsc and Imoen had exchanged words with him, and neither carried any anger or malice towards him. Minsc even commended him for remaining with her while she slept, remarking that Boo was happy that their friend Tashrena was 'not alone with dreams of that evil, evil mage who stole souls that did not belong to him and killed helpless witches while hamsters and rangers remained trapped in evil cages, unable to put a bootprint in his backside'. Or something like that. Xan had long since learned how to tune out the Rashemi's insane ramblings. Aerie and Jaheria, however, were not speaking to him. They practically blamed him for Tashrena's comatose state, but he could not see how he was responsible. They wouldn't tell him anyway, so it was pointless to ask.

"Still she sleeps?"

The voice brought his head around, and Xan hurried to rise when he realized who his visitor was. An upraised hand halted his efforts.

"There is no need for that. Were it not for your efforts, none of us would stand here today." Queen Ellesime glided to a chair opposite him, on the other side of the bed, and lowered herself gracefully. "Has she stirred?"

Xan shook his head, looking to Tashrena again. "She lives, yet she will not come to. I cannot explain why. Perhaps it has something to do with the theft of her soul?"

"Or perhaps she feels she had no reason to come back."

His head rose, dark eyes wide. "What?"

Ellesime met his gaze, her pure emerald eyes almost piercing his heart. "I visited her in a dream prior to the confrontation with Bodhi, and looked into her memories to better understand the entirety of Irenicus' crimes against her. I meant to limit myself to the experiments and tortures, but so closely woven were they with another set of memories that I could not separate the two." Xan found himself looking away, refusing to face the pity in her eyes. "You know that she has feelings for you. Feelings deeper than simple attraction. You wounded her deeply when you emotionally abandoned her."

"I am sure that you saw the reason for my withdrawl," Xan replied, fighting back his temper. Queen or not, Ellesime had no right to pry into Tashrena's memories like that!

"But she did tell you that she can control the Slayer now. It has not appeared since then, yet you continue to ignore her. You promised to remain with her, but you refuse to involve yourself with her. In doing so, you have broken her heart."

"What does that have to do with her current condition?" Xan snapped.

Ellesime did not take offense at his tone. "She lost her love, and so she has lost her hope. Without hope, there is no life. I can understand why you distanced yourself from her. But now that her soul is returned, Tashrena will have even greater control over the Slayer. You need not fear her turning on you again."

Xan said nothing, unable to look at the Queen.

"From what I have seen, Tashrena is a woman who depends on hope. Hope for revenge led her to vanquish Sarevok and unravel his plans for war. Hope for freedom guided her out of imprisonment again and again. Hope saw her through countless trials and battles, tests that would have made others crumble in defeat and despair."

"And hope brought her to Irenicus, no matter where he went," the enchanter said bitterly.

"Do you know why she held on so long?" Ellesime asked, her voice gentle. "She should have perished long before reaching Suldanessellar. Demin told me she seemed as a wraith when you and your companions liberated her. She should have faded into nothingness, yet she did not. Have you any idea why?"

"Because she hoped to retrieve her soul and defeat Irenicus, thus gaining revenge for what he did to her, her friends, and our people," Xan replied.

"That is but part of it." There was a rustle of fabric, and Xan looked up to see the queen lifting something from Tashrena's clean, folded garments. His heart sped when he recognized it: a long string of pearls, a larger teardrop-shaped pendant hanging between the queen's fingers.

"Where did..."

"You did not know she kept this, but she did. After you broke her heart, she took to wearing this beneath her clothes. It is long enough that it could be hidden in this manner. The priestess who bathed her and cleansed her garments was most surprised to find it." Ellesime regarded the necklace with sad eyes. "She wore this as a symbol. A representation of her hope that you would someday love her again, as you did before the theft of her soul. It was all she had left of what you gave her, what she almost had. The dream of regaining your love was all that kept her alive."

Ellesime replaced the necklace atop the clothes, then looked at the stunned moonfighter. "You must have said something to her before the battle. Something which shattered her remaining hope. I had sensed something had changed in her when I met you at the Tree, and when I found time to think upon it I realized that she had lost her hope. All she had, when she fought Irenicus at the Tree, was her desire to end his threat forever. There was nothing else. As it stands now she has nothing to cling to, only a future of blood and murder, the deaths of everyone she holds dear."

"I told her I wanted to live," Xan whispered, looking at his hands. "In Hell, I wanted to live. I was willing to fight to live. I told her that."

"But is life all that you want?" Ellesime pressed. "You have shut her out of your life, given no indication that you wanted her in it. There was nothing to assuage her guilt at hurting you all, or to make her feel wanted. If there is nothing for her here in this world, why should she come back?"

"But there's more for her to do! Bhaalspawn or not, there is far more for her to do! Monsters to kill, wrongs to right, ruins to explore, nobles and merchants to rob..."

"Can you see her doing such things alone?" the queen asked simply.

Xan's protest died in his throat as he considered her words. Friendly, gregarious, cynical Tashrena? Traveling across the length and width of Faerun alone? He could not see it at all.

"And what of her companions? She blames herself for their pain, their deaths. In her mind, they would not have suffered if she were not there. She torments herself over what the Slayer nearly did to you. She tried to make amends, but your reaction made her believe that she is a monster. If all she brings is death and pain, what is the point of continued life?"

He had no words for that.

Ellesime sighed heavily. "Your mission is complete, moonfighter. Return to Evereska, if she truly means so little to you. The ones who do care about her will keep vigil until this coma ends, one way or another." She rose without looking at him and departed, leaving him alone.

"I? Responsible?" Xan looked at the pearl necklace once more, his heart squeezing painfully. He had thought she had sold it after he ended their relationship. That she had kept it, worn it all this time...

And he had rebuffed her, again and again and again.

He dropped his head into his hands, feeling tears welling once more.

"Seldarine, what have I done?"

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The third day had dawned before he entered the reverie, still wracked with guilt over his treatment of Tashrena. His dreams were only of her, memories of their travels and conversations they had shared. Her beautiful face hovering above him, fading in and out of focus while strong, gentle hands supported his head and gave him the water he had craved since the beginning of his imprisonment and torture. The joy glittering in her golden eyes whenever she was happy or amused, the triumph infusing them after a particularly difficult battle or discreet liberation of some unfortunate noble's wealth. The flashing silver of her swords as she fought, so deadly and so very beautiful even as she killed. The battles with Tazok, Davaeorn, Sarevok, Firkraag, Bodhi, Irenicus. The emptiness in her so-expressive eyes these past weeks.

The pain in her voice and face, her quiet and unseen tears, whenever she tried to speak with him. The lectures given him by Jaheira and Aerie, Imoen's attempt to trick him into seeing her half-sister bathing.

Her shoulders shaking, her face hidden by knees and hair, crying silently in the dark. The aftermath of the Slayer's second appearance. The night he had lain in his bedroll, forcing himself to ignore the quiet sobs emanating from her own on the other side of the small cavern, refusing to go and apologize for his cruel words when she had told him that she thought she could control her sire's avatar. The despair in her empty eyes as she sat at the base of a tree, her wrist gleaming with blood in the moonlight as she held a small dagger in the opposite hand, carving shallow cuts into her flesh. Her quiet explanation to his shocked outcry, her statement that as long as she could feel pain, she knew she was still alive, still capable of feeling. Her mumbling that nobody would miss her if she did die from cutting her wrists, after he took her knife and forced her to drink a healing potion.

Upon awakening he had returned to her side, almost desperate to see if she had come back. Tashrena remained unconscious, and with a feeling of hopelessness he took in how thin she seemed now. If she didn't wake soon, she was going to find her death of starvation. Xan found the idea bitterly ironic, that the most powerful woman he knew would die because she could not eat.

Why had he not realized how dangerous her state of mind was? He had attributed it to the loss of her soul, assured himself that she would regain her usual optimistic outlook once Irenicus was dead and she was in one piece again. He should have known that it was more than her lack of a soul. Nobody became suicidal or self-destructive out of the blue like that. He had known some humans took their lives in an attempt to escape from pain, but it had never occured to him that an elf might do such a thing, particularly not one as full of life and hope as her. It might as well have been him pressing the knife into her wrist.

"Is this truly my fault, Tashrena?" he wondered aloud, taking her hand again. "Is it heartbreak that keeps you in this state?"

No answer, as he expected.

He leaned close to her, after a quick glance back at the door. "I never told you, Tashrena, how much it hurt me to end our relationship. You are the most beautiful, vivacious, strongest female I know, but you are as alone as I. You shared with me, time and again. You've survived things that would have killed so many others, lost so much. But though it all you remained optimistic, full of hope for better times." A sigh escaped his lips. "I told you once that you are my miracle, Tashrena. You rescued me from Mulahey's clutches and insisted on nursing me back to health, even though it kept you in Nashkel for two additional weeks. You gave me hope, and stayed with me through so many trials. Yet I turned my back on you when you needed me the most, fearing for my own life."

He laughed softly. "Such a hypocrite. I alluded to our deaths and the futility of our struggle so often, but when confronted with my own I fled. I pushed you away in the hope of postponing my inevitable demise, uncaring of what my actions did to you. And now..."

Xan wiped his eyes, unable to finish the sentence for the lump in his throat. "I made a mistake, Tashrena. Even if it means risking the Slayer, it is better to have you alive and conscious. Anything is better than this. It pains me to think that I am responsible for your coma, that I am the reason your beautiful tiger's eyes have not opened. But I would rather confront that guilt with you to help me through it, as you always have.

"I want to start over, Tashrena. I want to resume our relationship, go back to the way it was before Spellhold. I cannot promise you happiness, or that it will last. But I do know that I still care about you, and I want you to come back."

He squeezed her hand in his, silently begging her to hear his plea. "Please, Tashrena. Just come back to me. Please..."

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Those words stayed with him in the following days. Tashrena finally awoke several hours after his confession, and they all were honored by the Queen in a great ceremony. They decided to stay in Suldanessellar for a time, just to give her some time to recuperate in relative peace. Xan was pleased with Tashrena's desire to learn more about her people, and took the opportunity to renew his own connection to the land.

He was less pleased to see the interest given Tashrena by younger males. At the moment she was being trailed by three young elves, all handsome and seemingly uncaring of her status as a Bhaalspawn. They only cared that she was so beautiful and worldly, and that she had saved them all. She wasn't paying much attention to their flattery, but Xan did notice her glancing at the most handsome of the trio every now and then, a sight that made his hand wrap about the hilt of his moonblade without thought.

Xan closed his book, mulling over the intricacies of his emotions. As the little quartet began to move away he stood up, his eyes locked on hers as he started towards her and she noticed him. He noted the wariness in her golden eyes but thought he caught the glimmer of hope in their depths, saw the way her three would-be suitors scowled upon realizing that she was preoccupied with him merely coming to speak with her. Ellesime had not lied, it seemed.

_I want to live, Tashrena. And my life begins with you. _


End file.
